Wednesday, November 18, 2009

I'm going to tell you a secret

I've dabbled in the online dating world off and on over the past two years. What were the classified personal ads of yesterday that we used to assign to pathetic lonely hearts have become mainstream, accepted and event expected ways to meet members of the opposite sex.
I find it overwhelming. I have a love-hate relationship with online dating. After being absent from it for more than a year while I explored relationships with Blackberry Guy and The Parasite, I recently returned to it (and then quickly exited).
To all my single guy friends out there, I am going to tell you the secret to meeting quality women online.
Get rid of the photos of your dog. Women do not want to date your pooch. They want to see pictures of you. I have yet to hear one of my single girlfriends say: "He has the most amazing labrador retriever." Nuh-uh.
Get rid of the photos of sunsets, mountains, beaches and deserts. We have been to these places. If you are a romantic guy, write, "I am a romantic guy." Don't put romantic sunsets in your profile.  We are not interested in seeing them through your camera lenses. We are online to meet men, and we want to know what you look like. Take off your sunglasses.
Get rid of the photos of you with other women whom you've cropped out of the images. We know you have a dating history. We don't mind that you've been married. But we don't want to see photos of you with wisps of blond, red and brunette hair in the margins.
No more photos of you holding a camera up to the mirror and taking photos of yourself. Don't you have any friends? A sister? Neighbor? Here's what you do. Invite your friend over for a beer. Hand him your camera or cell phone. Tell him, "Dude, I need some photos of myself for online dating." He'll razz you a bit, but he'll do it.
I have mixed feelings about the shirtless looks. I'll accept one shirtless photo, but more than that tells me you are looking only for sex.
Proofread your copy. Send it to your closest friend, or even better - if you have a sister or close female friend, send it to her. Avoid using phrases such as "You only live once" and "Life is too short." EVERY guy says that in his bio.
"Your" is possessive, as in "I want to be your man."
"You're" is a contraction of "you" and "are," as in "I think you're beautiful."
"Their" is possessive of they, as in "Their happiness is all that matters."
"There" refers to a place, as in "I want to be there for you," or "I have been there and back."
"They're" is a contraction for "they" and "are," as in "They're my best friends."
Now, go get 'em.

1 comment:

dan Brown said...

Too damn funny!