You shouldn't be doing that. You're FORTY!

I find myself surrounded by people who are either going through a break-up or going through a divorce. Maybe it's a heightened awareness, as I have just gone through my own break-up.

Same thing happened when I first became pregnant with my son. I suddenly found myself surrounded by crying babies and out-of-control toddlers. I remember walking through the bookstore in search of information about being pregnant, and everywhere I looked, I found strollers, expectant parents and screaming children.

We go through times in our lives when we are going to weddings every weekend, then baby showers, graduations, funerals. Guess it's my season of the break-up.

As my son has witnessed a couple break-ups since I divorced his dad, he has declared that he will never date, never have a girlfriend, never get married. Because he's only 13, I'm not fighting this too much. If he's not thinking of girlfriends, then he's not thinking about sex, which I'm totally cool with.

But it does present a challenge. He doesn't want to see me date again because he doesn't want to see me hurt again. He sees relationships as something that end painfully.

"Why would you put yourself through that again?" he asks.

I point out all the people we know who are in long-term relationships and happy. And happy. That's the key.

"Because I believe in love," I tell him. And I explain that relationships take time and hard work, and they are beautiful when they are right.

I remind him that on the other side of sadness is joy, and I will be OK. I already am OK; I'm more than OK, in fact. And I will continue to be OK whether I meet someone or not, though I hold out hope that I find that lifelong fling.

He and I have a tradition of watching "The Bachelor" series on Monday nights. Bear with me. The show is NOT a good example of solid relationships, but I find it to be a good way to stimulate conversations about how to be and how not to be when one is wooing members of the opposite sex.

(Plus those reality TV show people are free fodder for scrutiny.)

One recent episode sparked a conversation about sex, which makes my son's skin crawl. I'm not allowed to utter the word in his presence. I said something - a general remark - about spending the night with a guy - no one in particular, just a general remark about sleeping with someone you care about.

"Mom, you shouldn't be doing that! You're FORTY," he said with serious disgust.
I wanted to tell him that 40 is when it gets good, but I didn't want to traumatize him further. Found my censorship button; pushed it.

Anyway ... I look for ways to encourage my son not to seal off his heart ... when he's much older, of course ... and be open to heartbreak. After all, heartbreak lasts as long as you choose to make it last. You get something out of every person who comes and goes from your life. What I got for my most recent experience is a respect for people who suffer from addiction. Lesson Two: I know addiction is not something I want in my world. Lesson Three: I have become a more compassionate person - or, I have become aware of my lack of compassion and I'm working to be consistently more compassionate.

I like who I am on the other side of heartbreak. And now I'm over this heartbreak. Lived through it, learned from it, moving along.

What I want

I want someone who will fight whatever demons come his way just to be with me. I want someone who will never let any substance, person, place, thing, job or friend come between him and me. I want someone who doesn't have to be reminded to ask me how I am and who is really interested in my answer. I want someone who will take an interest in my son and remember his birthday and be his friend. I want someone who will cheer for me from the sidelines when I struggle with swimming, and I'll cheer for him in whatever endeavor he takes on. I want someone who will massage my feet at the end of the day, and I'll do the same for him. I want someone who will take out my garbage ... but I won't do the same. I want a relationship built on trust - mutual trust - and respect and love and passion. I want a best friend. I want to talk on the phone for hours and, at the end of the conversation, I want to realize that we covered more topics than the newspaper covers, and it wasn't all about him. I want him to have his own interests and friends. I want some space once in a while. I want to have my circle of friends and he has his circle of friends, and sometimes we make big circles together. I want someone who doesn't fart and think it's funny. I want someone who can afford to travel and go to dinner. I want someone who's over having drama in relationships. I want to laugh with him. I want him to see what a great, smart, funny and wise kid I have, even though he performs like an under-achiever. I want him to say, "Those people are horrible," when I vent about my family, and he'll make me realize I'm being ridiculous. I want someone who likes cats. I want him to take an interest in my work and ask to see my projects after they publish. I want to listen to his tales of his job and daily work dramas, and I promise to tsk tsk at the appropriate moments. I want someone who is honest with himself, even about his shortcomings, and who is, therefore, honest with me and the other people in his life. I want someone to tell me I look pretty. I want someone who will read this and not think it's all about him ...

Is this too much to ask?